Personal Growth

Don’t fall but rise in Love

A few days back I asked one of my friends, what do you want out of a relationship?

His answer was ‘I want to grow with the other person together‘. Sounds amazing! Isn’t it? Just like that song, ‘I wanna grow old with you’.

However, later I was thinking about that.

How he is going to do that? How he is going to grow with another person who is biologically, socially and most importantly psychologically very different in nature?

Think about it. Almost everyone wants a perfect relationship. Everyone thinks he/she will grow together with his/her partner. But it rarely happens.

Of course, there are a thousand dos and don’ts for a relationship one can find just by a click on the internet. But this is perhaps very shallow way to build a stable relationship. We need to look deeper to find out something meaningful.

Let’s first address why it is difficult?

Acceptance is one of the big reason. Men want women to behave like them and for women, it’s vice versa. It’s nearly impossible as both are psychologically very different. The way of expression is completely different. Both have different emotional needs. Now, what do you expect when he/she expects the other person to behave and think like them?

Chaos, conflict, misunderstanding right. If only both person in a relationship accept the fact that, they are not entirely the same about how they think and express. Half of the difficulty can be solved.

People say ‘I have fallen in love with someone’. But when you want to grow with that person why would you fall, you would rise right. It’s contradictory.

By the way, what’s the difference between falling in love and rising in love? I thought. I was reading an article about a couple who are doctors and in a relationship from 32 years. They described beautifully what ‘falling in love’ means. Here are a few lines from that article-

” Back then, the intense physical attraction to each other and the spirit of exploring each other had dominated the trip. Although we derived joy from intellectual interactions, the focus was very much physical. As doctors we now know this to be the effect of hormones such as dopamine and serotonin — the pleasure hormones. Scientists have now clearly associated being “madly in love” in our youth with the release of these hormones. Interestingly, comparisons of this state have been drawn to gambling and drug addiction characterized by physical excitement, sweating, and an increased heart rate. By it’s very definition, this state is unstable. In other words, it cannot last for an extended length of time. Perhaps that is why the state is referred to as “falling” in love, implying a condition where the state of the mind and the body is driven by outside forces and inherently not in voluntary control. “

What’s then, ‘rise in love’?

I wrote an article on why for an individual, to grow through life one-dimensional success is not enough? Here is the link.

The same thing is true to grow in a relationship. The only difference is you are not alone in this journey but with someone else.

At the beginning of a relationship, one can do almost anything for the other person. But as time passes that excitement goes away, the relationship becomes so stagnant. Why?

Physical intimacy is, of course, an important part of a romantic relationship. But if you fail to go beyond that then everything falls apart. As secretion of hormones in your body reduces, the passion for the other person goes out of the window.

Physical intimacy is just one of the dimension in relationships. To rise in love and keep growing, we need to look for other and higher dimensions.

We human beings have a great craving to fulfill our emotional needs. We all have some memorable stories of our life which we want to share with someone trustworthy. If only we know what are the emotional needs of the other person and how she/he wants me to respond, communications could be magical. For example, in an adverse situation man want solutions whereas women want empathy most of the time. There are different emotional needs for different sexes and it’s not an easy task to figure out that. But there are resources to help you, I find the book ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’ very helpful in this context. Give it a read. When you start understanding your partner’s emotions better, you can communicate in a better way and for sure the relationship will grow.

Being the most intelligent creature on earth, humans always crave to satisfy their curiosity, intellect. Thus growth inevitably means satisfying your intellectual needs. This is true whether you want growth as an individual person or in a relationship. For lifelong growth in a relationship, one needs to understand the intellectual needs of the other. If you don’t talk about your partner’s interests, why that interests her/him, communication will become very one dimensional.

It is essential to have an intellectual connection between two people in a relationship. The more our significant one help us to expand intellectually, the more we fell connected towards her/him. Even research suggests the importance of intellectual connection for a growing relationship. And it’s not any rocket science you have to talk about. Just discuss about his/her interests like- science, arts, literature, poetry, painting, nature, you name it. Having an intellectual connection will take your relationship to a new height.

As time passes, people get bored in a relationship. In fact, if you observe deeply, sometimes two people stay in a relationship just because their cravings are getting fulfilled. Man is happy as long as the woman satisfies his physical, emotional and intellectual needs. On the other hand, a woman is happy as long as she gets gifts, frequent dates and other needs discussed above. It’s kind of a deal, although they don’t realize always. One person tries to squeeze happiness out of the other. That’s why perhaps the most important aspect of a relationship is their spiritual connection. Well, a spritual connection doesn’t mean two of them have to sit together and meditate (although it serves a good purpose).

You know what is most bullshit thing movies and magazines have taught you about love. There is a soulmate waiting for you. Only when you find him/her, your life will complete. These are some of the most bogus lines. If you believe and act according to these lines, it is very natural that you will always demand things from your partner.

When you start realizing the fact that you are already complete and don’t need anyone to complete, you won’t depend on others for your happiness. When you know that you are already filled with love, you can spread that love to your significant one. A spiritual connection is built when you realize a deep relationship is mostly about giving not receiving. It’s not about how much you are getting, it’s about how much you are giving. You must become lovable before someone can love you. Thus a spiritual connection is necessary for a relationship to flourish.

A short video of Tony Robbins in this regard is very meaningful-

Physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual connections are foundations of a lasting and satisfying relationship. These are like different dimensions. The more you get better in each of those, more deep and meaningful your relationship will become.

Now I have to ask myself a question, which you might also be thinking. Who am I to give or rather discuss all these insights?

No, I am not at all any relationship expert. I am just a curious guy trying to explore this important part of life. These are all my personal opinions. Write in the comment section if you agree or even disagree.

And it’s not only the relationship expert’s responsibility to know ‘how to build a great relationship‘. All of us should know and explore on this.

Let me ask you a question. What’s the most important thing in life that contributes most to a good life?

Yeah, it’s your relationships which will keep you happy and healthy as you go through life. Don’t believe me, watch the results of the longest research conducted by Harvard Medical School.

I wish you great and fulfilling relationships in your life. And yeah

“Don’t fall in love but rise in love with someone”

Have a lovely week. Until next time. – Joy


  1. Nirmal Joshi on Medium
  2. Gideon Hanekom on lasting relationships
  3. Spiritual connection in relationship

Personal Growth

The Curse of Knowledge

Knowledge is essential for human growth. In fifteenth-century Sir Francis Bacon said 

                                                     “Knowledge is Power”

We all know and strongly believe this. But what if you have plenty of knowledge but unable to communicate or share your knowledge with the world. Does that knowledge of yours will serve its purpose? Knowlege is never stagnant, it meant to spread.

If you look at your surroundings, you will find many people who are good at acquiring knowledge but not in sharing. You might have seen a lot of good or even excellent students in your school or college, who can learn very quickly. But that same learning if you ask those students to teach you, chances are there very few would be able to teach.     Why is it so? Why being a good explainer is so difficult?

OK. Let’s answer a question honestly. What you think is the most important skill one can acquire to be successful in any field, at any age?

Yeah, Of-course hard work, Perseverance, Patience are there but if I have to answer this question, my vote would go for communication skill. To me, most people in this world are some kind of salesman (I know it might sound awkward), think about it for some time. Everyone is trying to sell something, trying to persuade something, trying to impress. Have you seen any good salesman who doesn’t have good communication skill? If you don’t know how to talk, how to impress, how will you sell?

There is a beatiful quote about teaching-aaf92b794cdeac2765973464e2175975

But the key question is why is teaching so hard? Ok, let me tell you an interesting experiment done by a psychology student named Elizabeth Newton from Stanford University in the year 1990.

Newton called few people and divided them into two groups. One group consist of tappers, whose job was to choose a song from a list of 25 common tunes like Happy Birthday to you, twinkle twinkle little star etc. and then tapped out the song’s rhythm with their knuckles. Another group was of Listeners who had to guess the song tapped by other group.  After every song been tapped by tappers, Newton asked the group of tappers about what they think is the possibility of Listeners group guessed the correct song. They said 50%, which means they thought half of the song tapped by them were correctly guessed by listener’s group. But in reality, the listener’s group guessed only           2.5% songs correctly.       

See what happened was, tappers group knew the song they played. It’s on their mind. So it became difficult for them to think how this could not be guessed by another group. This phenomenon is called ‘Curse of Knowledge’ first coined in the Journal of Political Economy by economists Colin CamererGeorge Loewenstein, and Martin Weber. But Why knowledge has termed a curse here?  To put it simply

‘When information or knowledge related to some topic is accessible to you or you know about something, we have an erroneous impression that other person we are talking or teaching also knows about it.’

Now it may sound silly to you but it happens every time subconsciously. More importantly, it’s consequences are very serious. Chip and Dan Heath two American academicians wrote beautifully in their book-                                                                      “Once we know something, we find it hard to imagine what it was like not to know it.”

You can see the ‘Curse of Knowledge’ everywhere.

Lecture on a topic is important and logical to the teacher but no to the students.               

Studying books is important in the teenage years according to parents not according to teenagers.

ways to properly use a device is important to its engineer but not to customers.


Even one-dimensional communication like text messaging is dangerous sometimes. You as the sender know what you mean by the words you have written but the other person who cannot see your face or know your intentions might interpret it another way.

This all leads to misunderstanding. So then how to overcome this ‘ Curse of Knowledge’?

First and foremost, we should be aware of this. If we know something doesn’t mean another person also knows that. When explaining to others, make sure to tell them first the background. When learning something new, learn from very basic, don’t assume too much. If you cannot communicate, all your acquired knowledge is of no value to the world.anthony-robbins-quote-to-effectively-communicate-we-must-realize-that

And as they have said Knowledge is really a great power. Don’t make it a curse.


-Have a great week. Until next week.                                                                                                                                                               -Joy




  1. 5 ways to overcome the Curse of knowledge

2. The Curse of Knowledge

3. Image from unsplash